Solve Me.

Solve Me.
I'm a million different faces.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Words from A Broken-hearted Spoiled Brat

They say, "You'll never know what you have until it's gone." Well, I say that you always knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it.

Did you ever get that feeling of being "chased"? No, not by a cop or a swarm of bees. But being chased by someone. Someone who loves you sincerely. Someone who is willing to win a war just to be with you. Someone who constantly reminds you how beautiful you are and how lucky he is to have found you. And most importantly, someone whom you thought would wait for you forever.

Trust me, all girls love that feeling. At least, I know I do. I love it so much that I like being "chased" for a very long time. When given flowers and chocolates, I put on my "I-couldn't-care-less" face, knowing that this would challenge him to try harder. When asked about how I feel or where this "thing" is going, I simply say, "I don't know yet." Even if I know I have feelings for that someone already, I deny those feelings and still won't give him a hint so I could continue enjoying my selfishness. Sometimes I even just push him away and tell him to give up 'cause I don't think he's the one for me simply because I am certain that he won't leave and even if he does leave, he'll always come back. I was so happy being spoiled --- not knowing that people also get weary. And this weariness may cause them to stop, just stop. Not because they love you less, but because they've had enough.

And that's when it hit me. It's over. He's gone.
What did I do?

No matter how crumbled I felt, my pride told me, "No harm done. Just smile and pretend that it didn't hurt you. You never told him about how you felt, anyway. You still won."

So I smiled and carried on with my life, like nothing ever happened. This went on for months. And I was okay. Well, I thought I was.

I never thought that it would be very painful to see the one you love, love someone else. You see him at his happiest and you force yourself to smile and just be happy for him --- for them. But you can't. You can't smile. It's too hard. Why am I feeling this way when this is exactly what I wanted, for him to go away? I should just let him be happy and I'm happy with that.

But I'm not. Not at all. Every time I think about him and what we've had, I'm bombarded with should have's, could have's and would have's. All the times we've spent together is on repeat in my mind and I just can't press the stop button because I like what I'm seeing.

Now? Not anymore. It's different now. What I'm seeing is a happy guy who finally found a girl he doesn't have to stress on. A girl who treats him right and is proud to call him "hers". A girl who loves him dearly. And, a girl who could have been me.

But sadly, she's not me. I had my chance but I blew it. I was too stunned with the idea of this "chase" that I forgot about my feelings and how real they were. Every bit of me yearns to do something that could possibly get you back but everybody knows that would be unfair. I can't be selfish again. I can't stop you from being happy. I already did that once and I won't do it again.

I guess what I can do now is just ignore my feelings and drown myself in chocolates and busy myself with shopping, things I consider therapeutic. I just have to move on and be happy. Not for them, but for myself. :)

B ♥