Solve Me.

Solve Me.
I'm a million different faces.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Let Go

Let Go is one of the short stories I wrote and published for The Star, our school's literary magazine. This is nothing personal. It's just a story I had in my mind. Thank you! :)

“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m good,” she says.

They know she is not okay. She knows they do. And she wonders why she always has to state the obvious, why she always has to answer and why she has to lie. She hates being asked that question. Not because she knows those questions are asked out of habit but because she is reminded of what has happened.

It was not her fault. It was not her fault that her father had to ask her to go fishing with him when she could have just gone out to the mall with her friends. It was not her fault that she had to freak out every time her father tried to teach her how to hook a worm to the bait. It was not her fault they caught the biggest fish she had ever laid eyes on her entire life. It was not her fault she almost fell off the boat. It was not her fault they had a good time. It was not her fault that she felt like a child again in his arms that day. It was not her fault that they had to go home late that day. And it was not her fault that her father had to look at her and tell her he loved her before seeing a big truck hit the car. It was not her fault that her father lost control and lost his life. And it was not her fault that only she survived.

It has been six years yet she still lies. She has let go and accepted her loss but being “okay” somehow makes her feel guilty. She knows it was not her fault but she blames herself. Every night, the last scene she has had with her father comes alive. “Should have, would have, and could have,” bombarded her thoughts. But she knows she can not do anything about it. And she knows she can not live like this forever.

She wants to be okay and she is pretty certain her father wants the same thing for her. She has sworn to herself that she will be okay. And she will be believable. She will be strong. She will smile and she will not lie.

“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m good,” she says with smile.

Countless Wants, One Need

I am tired of being stagnated. It's like waking up to the same bleak, black-and-white world where I am forced to do the same things everyday, as if they were all scheduled. I am restricted to think outside the box, which scares me because sooner or later, I might just be kicked out of the stagnating world and move over to the deteriorating world, which is worse. Worst.

I want to embrace change. I want to try new things. I want to stop dwelling under my shell. I want to go out and see the world out there and enjoy what's in store for me. I want to be free and I want to be happy. And with "happy", I mean making others happy as well. I want to motivate people, help them realize their dreams and push them to make these dreams come true. I want them to be inspirations to others. I want people to also see how embracing change would make things a lot better. I want a better world. A world we can be proud of.

I want to stop living under the notion of the "stagnating" and "deteriorating".

Admit it. These "wants" are your "wants" too.

Let's make things happen.

I need you.

On Being a Theresian

I am a Theresian.

Before you start with the judging, let me clear things out for you; we are not just hair-flipping, English-speaking pretty faces.

Just because some Theresians did stupid things doesn't make all of us stupid.

Unless you're a Theresian yourself, don't act like you know us and you've gone through the same phases of the transformative education we're blessed to have.

So, please. Just shut up and do the world a favor.

Thank you!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Words from A Broken-hearted Spoiled Brat

They say, "You'll never know what you have until it's gone." Well, I say that you always knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it.

Did you ever get that feeling of being "chased"? No, not by a cop or a swarm of bees. But being chased by someone. Someone who loves you sincerely. Someone who is willing to win a war just to be with you. Someone who constantly reminds you how beautiful you are and how lucky he is to have found you. And most importantly, someone whom you thought would wait for you forever.

Trust me, all girls love that feeling. At least, I know I do. I love it so much that I like being "chased" for a very long time. When given flowers and chocolates, I put on my "I-couldn't-care-less" face, knowing that this would challenge him to try harder. When asked about how I feel or where this "thing" is going, I simply say, "I don't know yet." Even if I know I have feelings for that someone already, I deny those feelings and still won't give him a hint so I could continue enjoying my selfishness. Sometimes I even just push him away and tell him to give up 'cause I don't think he's the one for me simply because I am certain that he won't leave and even if he does leave, he'll always come back. I was so happy being spoiled --- not knowing that people also get weary. And this weariness may cause them to stop, just stop. Not because they love you less, but because they've had enough.

And that's when it hit me. It's over. He's gone.
What did I do?

No matter how crumbled I felt, my pride told me, "No harm done. Just smile and pretend that it didn't hurt you. You never told him about how you felt, anyway. You still won."

So I smiled and carried on with my life, like nothing ever happened. This went on for months. And I was okay. Well, I thought I was.

I never thought that it would be very painful to see the one you love, love someone else. You see him at his happiest and you force yourself to smile and just be happy for him --- for them. But you can't. You can't smile. It's too hard. Why am I feeling this way when this is exactly what I wanted, for him to go away? I should just let him be happy and I'm happy with that.

But I'm not. Not at all. Every time I think about him and what we've had, I'm bombarded with should have's, could have's and would have's. All the times we've spent together is on repeat in my mind and I just can't press the stop button because I like what I'm seeing.

Now? Not anymore. It's different now. What I'm seeing is a happy guy who finally found a girl he doesn't have to stress on. A girl who treats him right and is proud to call him "hers". A girl who loves him dearly. And, a girl who could have been me.

But sadly, she's not me. I had my chance but I blew it. I was too stunned with the idea of this "chase" that I forgot about my feelings and how real they were. Every bit of me yearns to do something that could possibly get you back but everybody knows that would be unfair. I can't be selfish again. I can't stop you from being happy. I already did that once and I won't do it again.

I guess what I can do now is just ignore my feelings and drown myself in chocolates and busy myself with shopping, things I consider therapeutic. I just have to move on and be happy. Not for them, but for myself. :)

B ♥

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Hello, Summer!

So my last post was dated December 18, 2011, which is two months ago. Sigh.

I haven't been writing much 'cause I got so caught up with school. I just realized that the second semester of the school year can literally eat you up. No sleep. No rest. No social life. No blogging/ :( *whines* I think the only moments when I get to remain idle for a few minutes is when I'm in the bathroom --- doing my thing. (I know I didn't have to say that. HAH. Whatever)

Soooo, I had these things juggled in the last two months.

As a student council officer, I must make everything is set for everyone. College month is the busiest month in STC and trust me, it's consuming!

The tests are fine but the clearace signing shizz? WHAT ARE WE? High school students? What's worst is I sign them. :/ It's okay if the students cooperate and follow the schedule. But being bugged in the middle of an exam? IT'S REALLY IRRITATING.

I don't mind practicing but the pressure of representing the school is stressing! HAHAHAHA!

Being in both of the school newspaper and the school literary magazine is very tiring, I swear. Plus, it makes you run out of words! :(

I left CSC and ran for TCO instead, the MassCom org of STC. There were a lot of in-betweens during the election, which was really devastating. But I still made it. Hahaha.

Coming up with a radio documentary is not easy! I swear!

Here, there and everywhere!

So yeaaaaah. I've been busy! But now, I'm back!! :D I'll be blogging more this summer and I don't care if I have classes! :p